Post by Zeus on Mar 6, 2007 15:59:08 GMT -5
Maybe we can all have a good laugh! ;D ;D ;D
Late-Night Jokes About Immigration
"Even though (Mexican) President Fox has only been in the United States two days, today the INS said they have no way to find him." --Jay Leno
"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman
"The Mexican government has been accused of encouraging its citizens to illegally immigrate to the United States. They say they're not. I'm not so sure. Someone sent me a picture of this sign in Mexico [on screen: Salma Hayek. 90 miles]." --Jay Leno
"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official. He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." --Jay Leno
"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time." --Jay Leno
"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
"Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not 'discriminatious.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an hour fast ball." --David Letterman
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey
"Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno
"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. ... The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' ... Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno
"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says he's not sure if his grandparents entered the United States legally. As a result, President Bush has sent the entire Gonzales family back to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said, "You can't take millions of people with deep roots in the country and send them across the border." Really? Mexico did it." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush also said last night we do not yet have full control of the border. Full control? If we had any less control, there'd be an easy-pass lane." --Jay Leno
"President Bush also said in his speech that immigrants have to learn English. The immigrants said, 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno
"He says before immigrants can become citizens of the United States, they should be able to speak proper English ... except for the word 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman
"The Mexican border will now have surveillance cameras and motion detectors. Our borders will be as secure as The Gap." --David Letterman
[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears] Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."
"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days]" --Jon Stewart
___
"According to this new bill that's tied up in the Senate, illegal immigrants who can prove they've been here for two years would be allowed to stay. So follow the logic here. If you can prove you broke the current law for two years, you've protected under the new law." --Jay Leno
"Our cowardly, idiot Congress left on a two-week spring break. They're the biggest bunch of do-nothings. They didn't do anything. They didn't come to terms with the bill. They just left and went on vacation. So apparently, Congress is also on a temporary worker program." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is going to address the nation Monday night on the immigration issue. Bush said he would have given the address tonight, but they couldn't get the 'Mission Accomplished' sign finished in Spanish soon enough." --Jay Leno
"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno
"Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday." --Conan O'Brien
"As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days." --Jay Leno
"Here's my question, did Governor Schwarzenegger go to work today?" --Jay Leno
"Lots of businesses were closed, streets were closed - everything was closed but that big hole down on the border." --Jay Leno
"The Minutemen, the vigilante group that's on the border, they gave Bush an ultimatum. They said, 'Either you build a wall along the border, Mr. President, or we will.' I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans." --Bill Maher
"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno
"I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno
"In Orange County, President Bush was talking about immigration. Bush said that massive deportation is unrealistic. He said you can't just move 12 million people to another country. I don't know, Mexico did it." --Jay Leno
"As you know, there were lots of huge marches around the country yesterday to protest the immigration laws. The marches had quite an impact on businesses. Restaurants had to close, construction sites had to shut down, the Yankees had to forfeit a game. ... Do you realize that Americans are now doing the jobs that immigrants won't do because they're out protesting?" --Jay Leno
"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey
"Over a million people marched today in cities across the country to protest immigration laws. And while we were watching them do that, a million more people snuck across the U.S./Mexican border." --Jay Leno
"This is what I don't get about this. They've got oil. Their citizens love the United States. Forget Iraq, we should have invaded Mexico." --Jay Leno
"Have you heard Hillary's plan for immigration? She's advocating what she calls a Smart Wall along the Mexican border. It will keep track of people using infrared cameras, remote controlled airplanes, and electronic devices. Yeah, that will work great -- she couldn't keep track of Bill in the White House." --Jay Leno
"You know these people coming across the border willing to work hard? I say make them senators. They couldn't do any worse of a job than these guys are doing." --Jay Leno
"Under this Senate compromise, the 11 million illegals would be put into three different groups: mild, medium and caliente." --Bill Maher
"The good news is that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration. The bads news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300." --Jay Leno
"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno
___
"Have you been watching the Senate debating the immigration bill? It's great. Every time somebody says 'undocumented worker,' Ted Kennedy does a tequila shot." --David Letterman
"President Bush is down in Mexico right now. Again, I don't think President Bush gets it. As soon as he stepped off Air Force Once, he looked around and said, 'Wow, you got a big problem with Mexican immigrants down here, too.'" --Jay Leno
"This past week there were half a million illegal immigrants on the streets of Los Angeles and that was before the protests. That was Friday. ... Half a million people? It looked like career day at Wal-Mart." --Jay Leno
"The big immigration bill is dead for now. Some are saying the Republicans didn't really want this bill because it's really more useful for them to have a wedge issue of illegal aliens, the same way they had gay marriage in 2004. That poor Ricky Martin. He just can't catch a break." --Bill Maher
"Proponents of this amnesty program for illegal immigrants say they are willing to take on jobs American are not willing to do. You know, like come up with an immigration policy." --Jay Leno
"President Bush surprised 30 immigrants by showing up and personally swearing them in as U.S. citizens. ... There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'You may now kiss the bride.'" --Conan O'Brien
politicalhumor.about.com/od/immigration/a/immigration.htm
Late-Night Jokes About Immigration
"Even though (Mexican) President Fox has only been in the United States two days, today the INS said they have no way to find him." --Jay Leno
"The president of Mexico has arrived in the U.S., thanks to some nifty fence climbing. ... I thought this was encouraging. He offered to take President Bush's job for $3 an hour cash." --David Letterman
"The Mexican government has been accused of encouraging its citizens to illegally immigrate to the United States. They say they're not. I'm not so sure. Someone sent me a picture of this sign in Mexico [on screen: Salma Hayek. 90 miles]." --Jay Leno
"Mexican President Vicente Fox arrived in the U.S. today. So, it's official. He's the last one. Turn out the lights. They are all here now." --Jay Leno
"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. Today President Bush said this is the 'goodest news' he's heard in a long time." --Jay Leno
"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
"Even though it's a little bit controversial, President Bush supports the effort to make English our national language. The president says making English our national language is not 'discriminatious.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Bush administration is tightening immigration now. In order to cross the United States, you have to have legal documentation. If you want to get into the United States you have to have legal documentation or a 95 mile an hour fast ball." --David Letterman
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey
"Immigration is the big issue right now. Earlier today, the Senate voted to build a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. ... Experts say a 370-mile fence is the perfect way to protect a border that is 1,900 miles long." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno
"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. ... The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' ... Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno
"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says he's not sure if his grandparents entered the United States legally. As a result, President Bush has sent the entire Gonzales family back to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush is proposing sending six thousands National Guard troops to bolster patrols along the U.S.-Mexican border. Or as he's calling it, "No Juan Left Behind." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said, "You can't take millions of people with deep roots in the country and send them across the border." Really? Mexico did it." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said that these troops will be at the border temporarily. You know, just until Mexico is ready to govern itself. Sound familiar?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush also said last night we do not yet have full control of the border. Full control? If we had any less control, there'd be an easy-pass lane." --Jay Leno
"President Bush also said in his speech that immigrants have to learn English. The immigrants said, 'Hey, you first.'" --Jay Leno
"He says before immigrants can become citizens of the United States, they should be able to speak proper English ... except for the word 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman
"The Mexican border will now have surveillance cameras and motion detectors. Our borders will be as secure as The Gap." --David Letterman
[Clip of Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone...We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears] Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."
"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days]" --Jon Stewart
___
"According to this new bill that's tied up in the Senate, illegal immigrants who can prove they've been here for two years would be allowed to stay. So follow the logic here. If you can prove you broke the current law for two years, you've protected under the new law." --Jay Leno
"Our cowardly, idiot Congress left on a two-week spring break. They're the biggest bunch of do-nothings. They didn't do anything. They didn't come to terms with the bill. They just left and went on vacation. So apparently, Congress is also on a temporary worker program." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is going to address the nation Monday night on the immigration issue. Bush said he would have given the address tonight, but they couldn't get the 'Mission Accomplished' sign finished in Spanish soon enough." --Jay Leno
"In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the honor system." --Jay Leno
"Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday." --Conan O'Brien
"As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol' days." --Jay Leno
"Here's my question, did Governor Schwarzenegger go to work today?" --Jay Leno
"Lots of businesses were closed, streets were closed - everything was closed but that big hole down on the border." --Jay Leno
"The Minutemen, the vigilante group that's on the border, they gave Bush an ultimatum. They said, 'Either you build a wall along the border, Mr. President, or we will.' I say let them try, because if there's one thing that will change your mind about immigration, it's trying to build a 2,000-mile fence without the help of Mexicans." --Bill Maher
"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno
"I don't think President Bush fully understands this immigration thing. Like today, when they asked him about amnesty, he said it's horrible when anyone loses their memory." --Jay Leno
"In Orange County, President Bush was talking about immigration. Bush said that massive deportation is unrealistic. He said you can't just move 12 million people to another country. I don't know, Mexico did it." --Jay Leno
"As you know, there were lots of huge marches around the country yesterday to protest the immigration laws. The marches had quite an impact on businesses. Restaurants had to close, construction sites had to shut down, the Yankees had to forfeit a game. ... Do you realize that Americans are now doing the jobs that immigrants won't do because they're out protesting?" --Jay Leno
"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey
"Over a million people marched today in cities across the country to protest immigration laws. And while we were watching them do that, a million more people snuck across the U.S./Mexican border." --Jay Leno
"This is what I don't get about this. They've got oil. Their citizens love the United States. Forget Iraq, we should have invaded Mexico." --Jay Leno
"Have you heard Hillary's plan for immigration? She's advocating what she calls a Smart Wall along the Mexican border. It will keep track of people using infrared cameras, remote controlled airplanes, and electronic devices. Yeah, that will work great -- she couldn't keep track of Bill in the White House." --Jay Leno
"You know these people coming across the border willing to work hard? I say make them senators. They couldn't do any worse of a job than these guys are doing." --Jay Leno
"Under this Senate compromise, the 11 million illegals would be put into three different groups: mild, medium and caliente." --Bill Maher
"The good news is that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration. The bads news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300." --Jay Leno
"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno
___
"Have you been watching the Senate debating the immigration bill? It's great. Every time somebody says 'undocumented worker,' Ted Kennedy does a tequila shot." --David Letterman
"President Bush is down in Mexico right now. Again, I don't think President Bush gets it. As soon as he stepped off Air Force Once, he looked around and said, 'Wow, you got a big problem with Mexican immigrants down here, too.'" --Jay Leno
"This past week there were half a million illegal immigrants on the streets of Los Angeles and that was before the protests. That was Friday. ... Half a million people? It looked like career day at Wal-Mart." --Jay Leno
"The big immigration bill is dead for now. Some are saying the Republicans didn't really want this bill because it's really more useful for them to have a wedge issue of illegal aliens, the same way they had gay marriage in 2004. That poor Ricky Martin. He just can't catch a break." --Bill Maher
"Proponents of this amnesty program for illegal immigrants say they are willing to take on jobs American are not willing to do. You know, like come up with an immigration policy." --Jay Leno
"President Bush surprised 30 immigrants by showing up and personally swearing them in as U.S. citizens. ... There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'You may now kiss the bride.'" --Conan O'Brien
politicalhumor.about.com/od/immigration/a/immigration.htm
